I started making self-portraits back in 2017. I’ve blogged them every year since, capturing not just images but the very essence of my evolution. At that point in my life, self-portraiture was a weekly practice- a practice that afforded me a moment of introspection amid the chaos of daily life. It was a way for me to study myself thoroughly, examining my emotions and ways that I could express them. I aimed to document my growth and change over time, both in myself and in my photography. Over the years, however, facing myself in this intimate way has become increasingly difficult. I struggle with the view I have of myself and the world around me, often feeling overwhelmed by self-doubt and insecurity. Sometimes the storms inside my mind prevent me from seeing my beauty, marring my self-perception. They keep me from appreciating who I am as a whole, obscuring the layers of my identity that deserve recognition. Occasionally, those internal storms keep me from picking up my camera at all for personal use. Being able to pull a collection of images together for this year was a feat altogether.
I find it interesting now, looking back, that the majority of these are black and white. Maybe, without really doing much soul-searching on the fact, that has something to do with the way I was feeling each month. The color in my world seemingly ceased to exist. I was struggling to find myself and the color in my life while dealing with constant issues with my health. I didn’t recognize my body and felt like I was a completely different person physically. It’s sad now, looking back—looking into my own eyes.
2024 was a year of waxing and waning, filled with both challenges and triumphs. I made my health a full-time job after over a year of dealing with chronic pain, fatigue, inflammation, multiple diagnoses, and questioning for myself and medical professionals who often seemed puzzled by my condition. I became determined to reclaim my life, so I started therapy to face the stories I kept stored in the back files of my mind. I wrote and painted and went to the gym. I started walking with a friend and doing some shadow work. Conversations with a health coach opened my eyes to the intricate connections between my mind and body, helping me understand that my emotional wellbeing was just as important as my physical health. I learned to listen to my body and develop a routine that respected its limits while gradually pushing those boundaries. I researched day and night and started thinking about ways I could use my story for good. I wrote some more. I used that writing to piece together a grad school entrance essay to seek a career in mental health counseling. And then we lost a pregnancy.
I’m in a season of pain again, but I know, by looking into these eyes…my own eyes, that I have come out better each time. I will come out stronger again. I am already on the right path.
I hope the photos for 2025 are a little more colorful.
I wish I could squeeze
the hand of my past self
and tell her we’ll be fine
then pick up the phone
to my future self,
just to hear her recite
the same line.
