2019 started off rough. I was at my lowest low; in the depths of a depression I wasn’t sure I’d make it out of. Making self portraits was difficult, because I didn’t have the desire to document any part of life, let alone parts that included me, but I made them anyway. Self portraiture has been an outlet for me over the last couple of years, so even though I didn’t want to make them, creating these images were like therapy for me.
There are so many of these images, especially from the beginning of the year, that I had completely forgotten about. I think forgetting has been my mind’s way of dealing with the depressive state I was in; a defense mechanism, if you will. Nonetheless, I am so glad I have them. I am so glad I pushed through whatever I was going through and got in the frame with my children, with my husband, and by myself this year.
As the long winter approaches, I can feel myself slipping again. Looking back at these moments and memories of love and growing confidence reminds me that this life is beautiful and complicated and short and long at the same time.
In the past three years of creating these self portraits with my family I have learned and grown to be unapologetically myself. I’m not hiding behind any expectations placed on me by other people. I create for me and only me, and that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.